Wisdom for Family Difficulties During the Holidays
[This post from two years ago was worth reposting.]
- Why is it we can look at the life of a neighbor or co-worker and say: “Set some boundaries, friend. That other person is hurting you. Stop allowing it to go on.” We hear their story of how their spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend or parent is wreaking havoc in their lives through toxic speech and behavior. The “right thing to do” seems obvious to us. We don’t understand why they don’t make a move.
But then…
- Why is it we can look at our own family member (sibling, niece, nephew, close cousin) and say: “Just forgive them. Make peace and keep the family happy. What happened is over, and you’ve got to put down your guns and move on.” (By the way, that’s not a gun; it’s the sound of a survivor’s shield deflecting the bullets you can’t see being fired.)
And then we wonder…
- Why is it this person seems confused? Because a survivor of emotional abuse feels wedged between other peoples’ versions of right and wrong, between being at fault and not at fault? (Don’t confuse this with a Victim Mentality.) Two sides, two views, constantly tugging at them. Which “do the right thing” advice should they listen to?
Speaking from experiential understanding: wise input from an objective perspective is essential. But family cannot offer it and neither can most close friends.
Forgiveness from the heart is a critical internal process of letting go of bitterness and anger. But relational forgiveness, which is allowing the toxic offender back into your life, is contingent upon a clearly defined set of criteria that the offender must meet. Don’t judge the survivor for NOT meeting your personal criteria for their toxic relationship. (Check out Mending the Soul)
~ ~ ~
To the survivor of a toxic relationship:
Any person — family member or not — who’s pressuring you to either rebuild or continue a relationship with an emotional abuser is not concerned about your wellbeing or emotional health. They’re upset over the contention your situation has caused; they’re concerned about maintaining the family reputation. Yet they have not walked in your shoes. Often, the pain over what they think they see happening has thrusted this unaware friend/family member into confusion. They simply want things to be right so their discomfort stops—who could blame them? Their discomfort is not your problem or your responsibility. Their offended hearts are desperately trying to reconcile with what’s happened while loving everyone involved. They are blinded by subjectivity.
Subjectivity: the quality of being based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions; the quality of existing in someone’s mind rather than the external world. (online dictionary)
* * *
God’s Heart for the Survivor
“I was amazed to see that no one intervened
to help the oppressed.
So I myself stepped in to save them with my strong arm,
and my wrath sustained me.”
Isaiah 63:5 (NLT)
You are valuable simply because God made you; therefore, so is your mental and emotional health.
To the survivor “wedged” between opposing perspectives, I suggest seeking certified counsel—YOU ARE WORTH IT. Find a therapist: FaithfulCounseling, (I prefer a Christian world view, but you can find options on the Psychology Today site as well.). Does your church have a freedom ministry? If yes, then don’t be shy; they should have local connections. If you’re in the Dallas/FtWorth area, here’s a place I trust: GatewayFreedom, I’ve gone through their training and speak from experience.
Loving certain people from afar is a wise move. Healthy boundaries are a necessity for toxic relationships.
Fear not! Make healthy choices for yourself. The boo-sayers will just have to deal with it.
Six Ways to LOVE A Survivor:
- Don’t nag them about attending the large family gathering, but don’t ignore them either
- Choose a separate time to hang out
- Choose a location that won’t accidentally be “invaded”
- Don’t make a big deal about what’s going on, because you likely don’t understand (and you don’t necessarily need to).
- Embrace them as they are and where they are on their life path
- Help them have a ‘happy holiday’ free from fear and emotional exhaustion
Do one of the above, and you might end up a holiday hero.
Father in Heaven, give me Your heart for my friends and family members who have bravely walked out of toxic relationships. Show me how to love them as You would and not according to my own understanding. In Jesus’s name.
Sowing Seeds to Be Someone’s Hero
